Arizona

So here I am down in Arizona. Not exactly how I expected to visit my Grandparents but its been really good to be around family lately. They are all very much here for me. They have been encouraging me and filling me with confidence in my self. Their house is so nice. They even have a saltwater pool and like 6 rooms in this house. My Grandma is already talking about leaving in a few years. What?! You're almost 80 thats crazy Grandma. I love you but stop doing so much all the time. Enjoy your new life. Tonight I realized something though. I love my grandparents with all my heart. They are everything to me. However what I realized is that my family is really judgemental. I don't know what it is or why but they are. Every little thing there is a comment especially if something is wrong. Maybe its their age maybe its the christian in them. I have no idea. But it made me realize something about myself because I also tend to judge people and things. I don't want to be that way. I know it can't be helped at times but I don't want to have it be a consistency in my life. People are who they are. You can't change them only influence them. Tonight was a bit upsetting because we went to my aunts BDAY party and she made everyone a nice meal. They were such a fun and personable family. The joked with each other and shared good times. But my grandparents could NOT stop criticizing every last little thing. It was hard to have a good time. I wish our immediate family could be a little more like them. They all seem so close. My immediate family has its moments but they really get a long well. I hope when I have a family some day I can be like them. I want my family to feel like they can be themselves. Now I see why so many of us have confidence and anxiety issues. Constantly worrying about the people who raised you feel about what you're doing is stressful. I dont want to be critical about this, I just wish they would loosen up a bit. I love my grandparents.

Reflections and reminders

Wow I can't believe the last time I blogged anything was almost 10 years ago. That makes me feel a bit old but nostalgic. I think the reason I decided to return to blogging was just all the feelings I keep experiencing. I am a completely different guy now. Older, more sensitive to others, and full of drive. At any rate time to get to it straightaway. My life is changing in a positive direction finally. Im actually doing work in my field for a change, I'm in the best shape of my life, and I actually have money for once. Everything adulting wise feels good. I feel like I'm doing all the right things with my life but one area alludes me. Resolving my feelings with and for Brittany. I don't know what to do at this point. It's been six months and we have yet to even talk about anything solidifying. She has told me to move on and that I will find someone else but I still don't know where we went wrong from her end. How can I move on? I want to at least talk about what it would take to be together but the conversation scares her. I can't even imagine all the things shes been subjected to over the years to bring her to that point. I know she is afraid of having deja vu but I am not Kevin (her ex) and Kevin doesn't even hold a candle to me. I think she is scared but I think shes more stubborn than anything else. She just cant admit that life is worse without me. One could say that I'm being subjective in this thinking but everytime I talk to her shes miserable or stressed. Never "I'm happy" or "I had an awesome day". Just "I'm ok" which in Brittany means I'm surviving. I know I can't force the dialogue. I know she has to decide if she even wants to go there or not. But I'm getting to the point where I'm sick of being lonely. I do and can go out but that romance factor is missing. I know I can replace those feelings with time but I only want to share them with Brittany. Maybe I'm the one whos stubborn. I just can't ignore the feelings we share when we are together and thats what keeps my candle burning for her. I know that she can see what I'm seeing (like she usually does 10 years later lol) but I don't know how long I want to wait to speculate a future together. Thats just two people talking about what they need in a relationship. If it works it works. If it seems impossible then I'm over it. That last conversation is so important to me. But she wont have it. We had our closure now lets have one last talk about it. I think I'm being fair considering I gave her 3 years of me. I just wish I knew how to get through to her. But I can't. I just have to be patient and wait but I dont even know what im being patient for. Its a struggle and I feel crazy but I've never felt so convinced that something could change. I guess thats what love does to you. The old me would have moved on as soon as we broke up (and I tried to) but she wanted me around still. I dont get it but I know that this feeling is honest and correct. Please come back to me soon. I know this time will be different.