Arizona

So here I am down in Arizona. Not exactly how I expected to visit my Grandparents but its been really good to be around family lately. They are all very much here for me. They have been encouraging me and filling me with confidence in my self. Their house is so nice. They even have a saltwater pool and like 6 rooms in this house. My Grandma is already talking about leaving in a few years. What?! You're almost 80 thats crazy Grandma. I love you but stop doing so much all the time. Enjoy your new life. Tonight I realized something though. I love my grandparents with all my heart. They are everything to me. However what I realized is that my family is really judgemental. I don't know what it is or why but they are. Every little thing there is a comment especially if something is wrong. Maybe its their age maybe its the christian in them. I have no idea. But it made me realize something about myself because I also tend to judge people and things. I don't want to be that way. I know it can't be helped at times but I don't want to have it be a consistency in my life. People are who they are. You can't change them only influence them. Tonight was a bit upsetting because we went to my aunts BDAY party and she made everyone a nice meal. They were such a fun and personable family. The joked with each other and shared good times. But my grandparents could NOT stop criticizing every last little thing. It was hard to have a good time. I wish our immediate family could be a little more like them. They all seem so close. My immediate family has its moments but they really get a long well. I hope when I have a family some day I can be like them. I want my family to feel like they can be themselves. Now I see why so many of us have confidence and anxiety issues. Constantly worrying about the people who raised you feel about what you're doing is stressful. I dont want to be critical about this, I just wish they would loosen up a bit. I love my grandparents.

Reflections and reminders

Wow I can't believe the last time I blogged anything was almost 10 years ago. That makes me feel a bit old but nostalgic. I think the reason I decided to return to blogging was just all the feelings I keep experiencing. I am a completely different guy now. Older, more sensitive to others, and full of drive. At any rate time to get to it straightaway. My life is changing in a positive direction finally. Im actually doing work in my field for a change, I'm in the best shape of my life, and I actually have money for once. Everything adulting wise feels good. I feel like I'm doing all the right things with my life but one area alludes me. Resolving my feelings with and for Brittany. I don't know what to do at this point. It's been six months and we have yet to even talk about anything solidifying. She has told me to move on and that I will find someone else but I still don't know where we went wrong from her end. How can I move on? I want to at least talk about what it would take to be together but the conversation scares her. I can't even imagine all the things shes been subjected to over the years to bring her to that point. I know she is afraid of having deja vu but I am not Kevin (her ex) and Kevin doesn't even hold a candle to me. I think she is scared but I think shes more stubborn than anything else. She just cant admit that life is worse without me. One could say that I'm being subjective in this thinking but everytime I talk to her shes miserable or stressed. Never "I'm happy" or "I had an awesome day". Just "I'm ok" which in Brittany means I'm surviving. I know I can't force the dialogue. I know she has to decide if she even wants to go there or not. But I'm getting to the point where I'm sick of being lonely. I do and can go out but that romance factor is missing. I know I can replace those feelings with time but I only want to share them with Brittany. Maybe I'm the one whos stubborn. I just can't ignore the feelings we share when we are together and thats what keeps my candle burning for her. I know that she can see what I'm seeing (like she usually does 10 years later lol) but I don't know how long I want to wait to speculate a future together. Thats just two people talking about what they need in a relationship. If it works it works. If it seems impossible then I'm over it. That last conversation is so important to me. But she wont have it. We had our closure now lets have one last talk about it. I think I'm being fair considering I gave her 3 years of me. I just wish I knew how to get through to her. But I can't. I just have to be patient and wait but I dont even know what im being patient for. Its a struggle and I feel crazy but I've never felt so convinced that something could change. I guess thats what love does to you. The old me would have moved on as soon as we broke up (and I tried to) but she wanted me around still. I dont get it but I know that this feeling is honest and correct. Please come back to me soon. I know this time will be different.

A Saturday on a "Scale"

Yesterday was an ok day. It was very very hot. However Redwood City skatepark was sick. They have a vert wall like Potrero, which is about 13 feet up. It was a fun drop in even though I lost it at the bottom when I first tried it. Nice banks and rails and also a mini bowl. I did however leave my camera in my friends car and won't get it back until monday.


Later on me and the roomies went to the basketball house party. I planned on sipping very little and held myself to that. Only one shot. The house was packed and with the temperature that day, standing completely still resulted in sweat. Ew. Had fun and danced with some people. Cops rolled through around 1:47 and busted that shit up. We left back for the dorms. Dom's dumbass forgot that since he drove to the party that he had to drive back. In other words he had too much to drink. Fail.


I went to my room when we got back with my friend Kortnei because we were tired of dealing with our drunken friends. Prior to that for reasons I still can not understand, someone through a water balloon at my room door. I no longer have my laundry sign or my autograph board because they were soaked. I was very upset. Later on, me and Kortnei watched Dark Knight until 4:30 in the morning. She had to leave because she had stuff to do at 9am. It was nice to catch up with an old friend though.


All in all it was a balanced day of win and fail. I still want to know who the hell ruined my autograph board. It was accumulating since Fall quarter and now its all gone... >_>


"Blame it on the al al al al alcohol" Blame It - Jamie Foxx

Confusion

Is it a sign of weakness? Or is it a sign of insecurities? What does it symbolize?

If I knew the answer to this life would be that much easier.


"No one hurts you like I do" - Konstantine - Something Corporate

Playing Away Games

In all sporting events there are games to be played. Two teams battle it out in fierce competition to decide who is superior. However these teams are not always teams. Some sporting events include just two combatants. Take the gladiators for example. Fight to the death for the glory of the Emperor, or in my case, Empress.

Lately it feels like I am a gladiator in a foreign land were I compete against others from the Empress' land. Always playing away games. At least until Friday rolls around. Friday is my day. My day to play at home and show my fans what I can really do. To show everyone I am capable, especially the Empress.

For the most part I have catch up as it seems I have been losing away games by default. So much lost time to be made up in one day seems almost completely unfair. However unfair the situation my commitment to winning this series will not be swayed. Even should my opponent manage to slay me I will walk away tall with my pride intact and my heart wounded. For my Empress, everything, and anything is worth it for that single Friday.

"take a risk. come take it on me. believe i'm a sure thing.
all or nothing now and i would not trade you for anything." -Set Your Goals - To be continued...

Re-aquainting

Ok check this scenario. There is a person you have not seen in a long time. Something awkward happened between you two but you want to see them again (regardless whether that awkwardness gets closure or not). How exactly does one go about doing it?

Well for starters you need to think about how much this person means to you. Not necessarily in a romantic sense, but in anyway, shape, or form. If the person is just someone you want to see whats up with and you do not care for them, its probably a waste of time to talk to them again. That's your natural curiosity kicking in (all humans have it).

Does this person have a good history with you? Maybe you just had an awkward meeting in the first place and its scratching the back of your mind to make things work. I also advise against any reconciliation. Things happen, good or bad. You can't be in everyone's good graces.

Alright here is the most common scenario. There is a person you used to be really close to. So close you called them best friend at one point. You miss how you could just talk to them about anything but they drifted away somehow. I would advise you to try to reconnect. If they put in the same effort as you, then its definitely worth getting back into. There is a flipside. Some people are just ready to move on. Friends come and go espeacially in todays fast paced world. As much as you miss the things that used to with them, life is going to go on, wether you want it to or not. These kinds of friends generally arise around high school and fade in college.

I hope everyone reading finds this informative or at least midly interesting.

"The hours pass and she still counts the minutes that I am not there I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this." - Bruised - Jacks Mannequin

John Cheezy For Sheezy.

So John is very happy because he finally accomplished his goal. John smoked out of his mini hookah for the first time. He was a very happy camper last night. Currently passed out on Nicks bed (for some reason because that is kinda homo).

All kidding aside yesterday was the first day of my spring break and I think it started off right. I got to hang out with all my on campus friends at least once this week before they left for their separate destinations. I also got to clear up some drama with a friend which is always a plus.

I think I had a revelation last night. I'm not sure if it was the good water I had or Nick's lecturing but I came to a conclusion; I'm too hard on women. As funny as that is coming from my mouth, Mr. Blunt honesty, I am too hard on women. I admit it. I don't really know if I plan to do anything about this but I feel like my expectations of women are higher than my expectations of men.

I was really trying to think about why. I mean for the most part I treat girls like guys. It could be one of two things: Either it's because all the guys I consider my friends have fewer flaws that set me off or I have some repressed hatred of women (haha). Although a lot (and I mean a lot) of girls have caused me much strife over the years, I don't think I have a psychological hatred of women. Men and women are different, they act different, and annoy me in different ways and frequencies.

My point is this, while I don't rule out Nick's statement, I am not convinced its true. Although women still drive me crazy, its the women who don't know their fucking up that drive me crazier. To give a good example of someone who admits they fucked up, Holly Bok. Whenever shes having a moment, she lets me know "Hey I'm sorry I'm just being a woman right now". I think that is awesome.

However I have sympathy for those who don't know or can't admit their having a moment. I know when I think I'm right, I do not budge at all. We can all get a little stubborn at times and that's okay. We all make mistakes but when you know you fucked up just admit it, espeacially when your caught haha.

"Same ol' decent lazy eye, fixed to rest on you" - Silversun Pickups

Girl + Small Talk + Connection = Ignore Darryl?

Lately I've been having problems with girls. Its not that I can't talk to them or approach them, I can do that just fine. But every time it seems like I'm getting closer to some sort of connection, they stop talking to me. Even if its just a friendly conversation with no kind of flirtage. They just go MIA. What is it that causes this to happen?!

I mean shit, I don't come off as awkward, apparently I'm not ugly if I get their number, and its not like I'm trying to fuck them, so what the fuck?! Honestly there is only one girl I think about often and she knows whats up. I'm becoming good friends with her and there's no complications besides when she goes AFK but I understand why she has to. These other girls could have their reasons but it seems like all of them do this to me.



I don't want to look for anything in particular when I talk to new girls. All I want is to meet them and talk. Its the same when I meet people in classes. Just because I talk to a girl does not mean that I want to get at them. I honestly hope these girls are really busy because there is no reason to ignore me. And if there is let me know, I can handle any kind of rejection.

In other non vagina related news my wisdom teeth are coming in so my jaw hurts like a bitch! Awesome >.>

Any girls out there reading this please enlighten me if this is a trend with most girls, I would love to know.

"Mix the chemicals right dear, mix the chemicals right. Yeah the margin of error is slight. Mix the chemicals right dear, mix the chemicals right. Yeah you know you could save my life" - Thrice- Trust from the album "The Illusion of Safety"

Ah Spring, the Season of Love

March has arrived. There is no denying that. So what does that mean to me exactly? Well for one a new season means jobs will open up for seasonal employers. That is definitely a plus for me since I have been unemployed for almost a year now. Spring also will bring a new quarter.

I have to not only maintain grades to keep a good academic standing, my grades also keep my financial aid benefiting me. So far I have a 2.9, so I gotta step it up. Philosophy is surprisingly not my best subject. Its dragging down my GPA (because I have a C right now).

Spring will also bring allergies. Yes I know I have them year round but when those flowers start pollinating...

On a lighter note spring will also bring a close to my first year in college(if I don't do summer school) and that seems like a milestone. I can hardly believe how long I've been in school now. Strange indeed.

And then there is the cliche of spring, love. I don't really consider myself looking for anything. However there is one person I have been paying attention to in detail. Remember when I said I liked two people, yeah that is out. Although both girls are awesome, the tigress won me over. I think its for the best too, I would never be able to provide both the attention and affection they deserve.

Spring should be an easy quarter for me. I am taking more classes but the breaks are more spread out. Life should be good for spring.

Goals

1. Get over a 3.0
2. Get a damn job
3. Fix up my bike
4. Continue to hunt the Tigress

And not necessarily in that order. I don't have an order I just want to accomplish my goals.

Best I Ever Had - Drake

"We could do it real big, bigger than you've ever done. You be up on everything, them other hos ain't never on it." - Drake

7 Days!!!

It took me a whopping 7 days (on and off) to do my god damn hair. Seriously it takes longer and longer each goddamn time. It makes me consider getting a fade seriously. However now its done for another month or so. Hooray for low maintenance :D

People out there reading this, don't get dreads unless you can afford the shop seriously.